Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
