omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
A bitchslap is in order.
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