my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
