just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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