Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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