you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
