If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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