my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
