why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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