I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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