i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
