The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
