Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
should my penis look like a turkey
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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