I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
