just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
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