Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
