Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
