Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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