For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
