My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
