I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
