Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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