so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
