Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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