i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
