my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
