He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
