I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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