just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
