"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
