saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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