If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
