When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
