I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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