I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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