he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
