We named our party play list daddy issues
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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