Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
