Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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