I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
