I wannas sexs uuuuu
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
