I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
