remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You left your phone here
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