i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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