I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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