I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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