My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
