mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
