She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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