i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
