...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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