So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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