I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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