I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
